21 September 2011

Still waiting for flannel to come back.

So, it’s about time I talk about Liverpool fashion. I’m going to preface this post with two very important things. One is that I’m almost sure that the things I’m going to bring up are not localized to Liverpool. Having not picked up a Vogue or Cosmo since the last time I was at the dentist, these points could be world wide. All I know is that when I left California, these fashion tidbits were not in circulation. The 2nd point I need to make is that I am in no way fashionable myself. I’m a “What Not to Wear” nightmare as I live in comfortable. As anyone who as ever watched that show, ‘comfortable’ never seems to mean ‘looks good’. I live in jeans. When I die, I wish to be buried in jeans. Jeans go with everything as far as I’m concerned, even death.

With that said, what I’m bringing up in regards to fashion are fashion fads. Think what the 80’s did to shoulders and shoes made out of plastic. Fashion fads to me are absolutely ridiculous but they do serve a purpose; you can look at a picture taken of a fashion fad and 50 years later you could go, “Oh yeah, that was taken in the Naughties, wasn’t it?” I have four things that I’ve seen around town these last seven months that I think are worth a mention.

FASHION FAD #1: The High Heel Wedge Boot

I really think the thing that bothers me about these shoes, er…boots, um…high heels?...whatever is that they make your foot look like it’s stuck in some geometrical playhouse cement. It’s all like nice hair, great dress, some kickin’ tights and shoe cement. They almost look like the woman actually has stumps for legs and these objects are simply screwed on for balance – like a robot. Because everyone knows that robots have stumps for legs because they walk so much bringing their owners cups of tea and after midnight night caps. Maybe I’m missing the point of these things. Maybe there’s a secret compartment in the heel thing to store your lipstick, wallet, 8 condoms and a pair of sunglasses for the Walk of Shame the next morning.

I suppose there is a benefit that if you are angry at former President George W. Bush, these will have more throwing power than a measly rubber sneaker.

FASHION FAD #2: The 80’s Jumpsuit with Belt

I like how the belt suddenly made this a "thumbs up" outfit.

When we were waiting for our ferry to take us to the Isle of Man, I saw a woman who I at first thought was wearing koala covered MC Hammer pants. Having already burned all my MC Hammer pants at a 1992 “Bring Out Your Grunge” party, I felt a slight twinge of nostalgia for this woman’s ‘pant crotch down to your knees’ look. How handy those pants were for collecting berries! But alas…I was horrified to realize that her koala sized ass (no one’s ass ever looked good in MC Hammer pants) didn’t stop at the waist line! No, oh no, the koalas kept going to a sleeveless top – with belt! The woman was covered in koalas fine, but she was choking them with leather – someone call PETA!

I soon realized that this whole jumpsuit business is back. I don’t know why. I don’t know why anyone would want to wear something that if you are unfortunate enough to get your sleeve stuck on a doorknob that you end up giving yourself a wedgie.

FASHION FAD #3: Look Ma! No Pants!

This is a severe case of what I'm trying to describe.  Didn't want to search the net for "girls without pants"

OK, look. I was young once. I went to bars, I went dancing in clubs. I know it’s a fucking pain to carry a purse, much less a coat a club when the weather has turned cold. While I still think some of these girls are insane, shivering with the beginnings of frost bite on their girly bits as they walk the 2 miles to the local club, for god’s sake, don’t forget your pants. I see this all the time. I mean, call me old fashioned but when did see-through tights constitute as pants? I don’t care how long you think that shirt is, it’s not covering your ass.

And another thing – I’m a big girl. I’ve come to terms that there are just some things that I should not be wearing. After you blow past a size 14 (which I have), the whole mantra that “if you can button it, it fits” no longer applies. Stick thin girls should always wear pants (or skirts if that’s your thing), big girls – oh please – big girls – staple your pants to you in the morning so you never ever forget. You’re doing us a huge disfavor to the whole “big doesn’t mean bad” movement. This whole “no pants” thing on a big girl…it’s bad. It’s really really bad.

FASHION FAD #4: 1800’s Hair

Like this, but with less rug rats...and clothing...but more makeup

This one…THIS one I actually really like. I’m bringing it up out of jealousy as I don’t have enough hair to pull it off…or the face…or the age bracket. As a person who loves me a good period drama, it kind of tickles me every time I see some old timey thing come back in style. Flat caps? Love ‘em. There was this slight movement towards 1920’s cloche hats coming back in style and I was really stoked to get one, but then it just died out (just as well, I don’t have the face for those hats either). So yeah, I like these 1800’s hairdos I see around town. All piled high in a gorgeous messy poufy bun. I actually become fascinated with them if I see them up close and personal. Andy and I were headed to a pub (a pub!) one Sunday on the bus and I completely missed our stop because I was so enamored with the hair on the girl in front of us. She didn’t seem to be using any bobby pins, how is that possible?

I would like to state for the record that I had no idea what those 1920’s hats were called until I looked it up. Did you notice how I just put it out there like I was Ms. Intellectual Jones? For the record – ‘cloche’….terrible fucking name.


  1. Cloche means 'bell' right? It's what you use to cover food in fancy restaurants. I didn't google it, but I saw they had to find one on an episode of The Apprentice.
    I'm going to wear no trousers when we meet up next month. HA!

  2. It does indeed mean 'bell'! Good for you smarty pants...and shite TV watcher.

    If you do decide not to wear pants, you'll have to excuse me while I stare at the ceiling the entire time we hang out.

  3. Oh how much I would love to see some candid pics of people on the street wearing these things! (And the chic old-fashioned hair style too)

    Hint, hint.