10 November 2010

Lies, lies, and some more lies

OK, I lied. One last little thing about pregnancy, or some advice really.

If you plan on getting yourself knocked up anytime in the near future, please let me recommend that you go get all your dental work done now. Don’t put off that cleaning or that weird thing in your molar that you think might be a cavity. Get that shit taken care of now. If it’s a bit too late for that because you went to that rave two months ago even though you knew damn well you’re too damn old to be going to raves and you just happen to shag that hot guy wearing day glo earrings in the nasty women’s toilet with no toilet paper and a distinct smell of Johnson’s baby oil and got yourself all sorts of “with child”, then I’m sorry, that advice will be no use to you because now it’s Too Late.

If you are knocked up already and you were smart enough to get your dental shit taken care of beforehand, please promise me you’ll be extra special careful not to fuck up your teeth. And if you happen to make it the full 9 months without biting into the recommended snack of an apple (falls under the 80 servings of fruit and veggies a pregnant woman is to consume daily) only to lose your god damn filling in the process, count yourself lucky. Because the one thing the dentist will not give a pregnant woman is local anesthetic.

Oh, it looks bad...but trust me, you want this.

Fillings and replacing a filling requires the dentist to drill into the tooth so that the filling stuff has something to “stick to”. (I don’t know what this filling stuff is actually made of, I’m assuming it’s similar to the hard candy your grandma has sitting in a glass dish by the television since 1968.) Drilling into a tooth will mean that at some point the dentist will locate the one nerve in your mouth that somehow controls your bladder and the urge to kick people in the nuts.

Good for kicking.

While the dentist has the hated drill in his grubby paws, you will ask tenderly, “will this hurt?” and the dentist will lie and say, “not too badly”. He’ll then look away for a moment in guilt, realizing he just lied to a pregnant woman (the worst kind of lying EVER), and will correct himself by saying, “it will hurt for 5 seconds. Can you do 5 seconds?” Because you like to pretend you are Tough Shit you will say, “of course I can take 5 seconds of pain”. At second number 1, you realize that you are the biggest pussy ever and that this pain you are feeling now must be worse than sawing off your arm with a dull pocket knife OH MY GOD. At second number 2, you pee yourself and think about the banana you will be sticking in the dentist’s tail pipe. At second number 3 your leg starts jerking looking for some balls to kick and by second number 4 you grab the drill from your mouth and use it to poke out the dentist’s eye. OK, that’s not actually true. By second number 4, the dentist is actually done drilling (he lied again!)(you can forgive him for this lie as long as that drill gets set out to sea). The rest of the appointment will go fine but part of you vows never to go to the dentist again even if all your teeth start coming out in little shards.

The moral of this story is: Apples are evil.


  1. I plan on getting my dental work re-done after this kid pops out for the very simple reason that I've vomited so many times, I'm pretty sure my teeth are nubs at this point because all the acid has eroded away the beautiful beautiful enamel. I was also looking into a set of wooden teeth but was told I'd get halitosis.

    This pregnancy shit is for the birds.

  2. A-ha! Pregnancy confirmed! May I offer you a hearty handshake of congratulations?

    Yes, this pregnancy shit sucks donkey balls. The vomiting is the worse. You'll be having a nice conversation with someone when *BLAGUGGHAR!*. Also, the fish section in grocery stores needs to be bombed.

    Wooden teeth would cause halitosis which is why I recommend Tic-Tacs. Obviously you'll want to carve pointy bits out of one side of them so you can still chew steak.

    On week 18, I do suggest you try having scrambled eggs and Cheetos on an English muffin. Delicious!

  3. And a hearty handshake right back at you. I shall give the delicacy of scrambled eggs and Cheetos on an English Muffin a try. You're combining two of my most favorite things in the world - Cheetos and English muffins, so this is a win-win for me. In fact, I want it now.

  4. If you're up for that combo, try hot dogs rolled in pancakes (no syrup). Or peanut butter covered cheddar cheese.

    I should seriously start a restaurant for pregnant women.

  5. Moe,

    You could call your restaurant for pregnant women "Nuterus". Has a ring to it...

    Or Cervix Cafe. How about Fallopian Food? Womb with a View? Placenta Place?

    Seriously, I think it'a a winner of an idea!!


  6. Patrick,

    It would have to be Womb with a View. All the other titles make me, well, not very hungry.

    You had a bit of fun coming up with those, didn't you?