09 November 2010

Don't you just HATE posts about babies?

We had the gender determining ultrasound today (well, it was really a “check if all the bits, not just the gender determining one, is OK” scan and I’m thrilled to report that all the bits are in fact OK). It appears that we are having a no-doubts-about-it boy. Seriously, the penis practically slapped me upside the head it was so blatantly obvious on the screen. That didn’t stop me from asking the technician, “Are you sure?” though. I’d actually have the balls (ha!) to post the picture of my son’s endowment if I wasn’t somewhat fearful that by doing so would somehow convince him to become a porn star later in life. “I don’t know why you’re so upset Mom, you’ve had my penis on display before I was even born.”

So yes! A boy. I’m in a bit of shock due to the fact that I had been convinced that I was having a girl. Truth be told, I was convinced that I would have a girl even before I got pregnant so perhaps it was more wishful thinking than it was “mother’s insight”. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle a boy. I was really looking forward to having a girl who would be nice and quiet and who would like to draw and play with stuffed bunnies instead of a boy who is going to sleep with a pile of dirt and scream “poopie” from 6 AM to 9 PM and ram monster trucks into my ankles and who will think that bugs are like, The Best Thing Ever. Boys are loud, energetic, and messy. Those three things are totally against what I stand for. Oh why oh why can’t I give birth to a 60 year old librarian?

There's still a chance, right?

I already told Andy that I’m going to spend the next 18 years following my son around with a Dustbuster.

Who throws nuts and bolts around?  Oh, that's right...BOYS.

Before I get hate mail – or hate comments – I’m actually very happy (shocked, but happy). The baby is doing great. Nice and healthy, which is all I could ever ask for (well, that and a million dollars which I don’t mind admitting that I would totally get pregnant for again if I could somehow shoot $100 bills out of my crotch). I just need to wrap my head around having a boy.

Because this isn’t a pregnancy\baby blog, this is most likely the last pregnancy\baby centric post you smart-enough-not-to-have-children readers will have to sit through until I pop this thing out, I have to get one last pregnancy\baby thing off my mind. I’ll be done with this topic for the time being then – cross my fingers, hope to pie.

The thing I really need to get off my chest is the people who assume that since I’m breeding now, I will want to continue to breed forever and ever until my uterus falls out. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve had discussions (read: arguments) about this with. This child I’m carrying around now? It’s the last one that will grace my insides. I DO NOT WANT MORE THAN ONE CHILD. I don’t know why people find this so hard to believe. Like since I’ve done it once, surely I’d want to do it again! You know, I almost drowned once – boogie boarding in the Pacific, which to be fair is about as pleasant as being pregnant, and I’m telling you, I don’t want to do it again. I wanted one kid, one kid to grow and teach all my bad habits to, and then let it be. I didn’t grow up thinking that being a mom (and just a mom) was what I was destined to do. Having a single child gives you the flexibility to be a great mom and also have a life of your own. It’s not going to be, “Johnny’s* got soccer at 5, then Jenny’s dance lesson at 6, then I’ve got to get the baby to the doctor to check out the rash”; it’s going to be, “Johnny’s got soccer at 5 but he’s spending the night over at his friend’s house, so sure, I can meet you for a couple of drinks later tonight.” I might actually be somewhat delusional about my flexibility once my son is older (I’ve never done this before, remember?) but I’m certainly not delusional about my feelings about having more than one kid. So you out there! Stop your fucking smuggy-smugness, “oh, just wait – once you have one, you’ll want more.” Bite me. I DON’T WANT MORE THAN ONE CHILD.

Just so I don’t offend anyone, I would like to say in all seriousness that I know that there are mothers out there with more than one child who manage to have a very full life (career and personal) outside of motherhood. I admire and respect those women more than I can say. I wish I could be like them, I really do.

*We are not fucking naming our son ‘Johnny’.

End of pregnancy\baby talk, I swear. Just to prove my earnestness in that, here is a picture of the cat:

 The damn cat trying to steal some of Andy's ice cream.   Hey!  At least it's not a baby picture.


  1. First, yea for a boy! I know for a fact that girls can be just as crazy as boys and boys can be just as quiet as girls. You just have to teach them properly. :)

    Second, ME TOO!!! Even before Thomas was out of my insides, I was getting the "When are you going to have more?" I will tell you that I entertained the idea of more before my lovely boy came out. After he was born, reality set in and I realized that ONE is enough. This sounds selfish, but it has been two years and I finally feel like I am getting some semblance of my adult time back. In summary, I totally get and agree with your rant.


    P.S. Thanks for the Duggar poster. I had a gut busting laugh over that!

  2. Congrats on the boy! Oh, and I don't care how many babies you have. It's your life, you can do whatever you want!

  3. Congratulations on your son! I don't mind pregnancy posts/blogs! And thank feck you're not in line to be the next Duggars. Although if you were to become mother of 19, you could get a sweet tax break if you deemed your house a Place of Worship. Just something to consider.

  4. I heart you for this post. If only all pregnancy posts were this funny.
    And I TOTALLY guessed it was going to be a boy!! I win!!

  5. BH: So we were both completely wrong about it being a girl. If I lived in WI still I would steal all of Thomas's old clothes. Oh sure, you'd probably just give them to me but stealing them would be more fun. I have the raw steak with sleeping pills all ready for Ike.

    Kim: Thank you! I wish everyone would be as understanding as you.

    Liz: I am in utter wonderment of the Duggar mother. Obviously she must not like booze. Or deli meat. Or soft cheeses. Or, like, fun.

    VW: I'll have you know you're the only one who thought it was a boy. Perhaps you can open a gender prediction shop for extra dosh. Double the fun by forcing pregnant women to pay in forbidden bottles of booze.

  6. We only want one child too! People look at us funny when we say this for some reason also.

    Oh, we also get the "when you having a baby" thing.....Hmm, let's see. I have 3 years of university to go, a career as a lawyer to establish, a new house to buy and a business class trip to Europe before we have a child, and we only want one!!

    Glad to see others with this opinion and frame of mind :-)

  7. Dane,

    It's annoying isn't it? "When are you getting married?" "When are you going to have children?" "When are you going to have MORE children?" blah blah blah. I'm surprised I haven't heard, "When you do plan to die?" yet.