29 July 2010


So I’m at lunch today getting my daily fix of overpriced iced coffee. While I was at the sugar and cream station there was this other woman there and I had to kind of reach in front of her to grab a couple packets of Splenda. Seeing what I was reaching for the woman says, “You know those are bad for you, right?”

This brings up a huge annoyance of mine, which is to say that I loathe people who feel the need to inform you that whatever it is that you may be doing at the time is “horrible for your health” or “causes cancer” or “will give you a bunion the size of Topeka”. Who are these people and who assigned them the job of Uber Supreme Ruler of Health Related Dangers to the World and Universe except Pluto which May or May Not Still be a Planet? As a smoker, I actually get these people coming up to me all the time. “Oh, smoking is so bad for you.” Like I didn’t know. Like I am so unaware of the things I put in my body that I’d pick up dog shit and have a lovely dog shit sandwich with lettuce and mayo if there wasn’t someone there reminding me that mayo is really really bad for me.

But back to the Splenda. I really like Splenda. For years the only options for zero calorie sugar substitutes were NutraSweet, Sweet n Low and Equal. Both NutraSweet and Equal contain aspartame which is found to cause cancer. I don’t care if they cause a third arm to grow out of my spine (handy for those hard to reach spots), they make my coffee taste like battery acid. Splenda thankfully does not. I don’t believe the crap that it “tastes like sugar because it’s made from sugar”. Honestly, I don’t care if it was made from the sweat of horse balls (I eat hot dogs for fuck’s sake, that kind of stuff doesn’t bother me) – it’s good, it’s zero calorie, I’m going to use it. By the way, Splenda uses sucralose in case you were wondering. I’m telling you all this so you know (I’m looking at you lady at the Coffee Bean) that I do in fact know what I am putting in my body.

Reaching for the Splenda....
Health Expert Lady: You know those are bad for you, right?
Me: (giggle) But I like them so muuuuuuuuuch.
Health Expert Lady: Yeah, they contain aspartame which is really really bad for you.
Me: Well actually, those two (pointing to the Equal and NutraSweet) contain aspartame. Splenda does not. There is no data that sucralose, which is what Splenda has in it, is bad for you.
Idiot Lady who hopefully has learned to keep her frickin’ trap shut: Oh. Well I knew one of them… uh, sorry.
Me: No problem. Now go out into the world and live a little lady.

This blog post was brought to you by the makers of Whining, Ranting, and Bitching, Inc. This blog post was also brought to you by the letter ‘S’, for Splenda.


  1. Moe for the WIN!
    But you really should stop eating shit sandwiches. Carbs are really bad for you.

  2. Nice work Moe, you handled it like a lady. Personally I would have said, 'Well you know what's bad for YOU? Getting punched in the face by a stranger at the sugar and cream station.' I'm nothing if not irrational.

  3. VW: Thanks, I will keep that in mind. (grumble grumble). ;-)

    Liz: I was actually in a grumpy mood so it was tempting to go that route. However, I didn't want to be banned from the Bean...where would I get my coffee?! Now that would be the true tragedy!

  4. What about the letter 'S' for "Stupid"? Man, people need to worry about their own life. Let me guess...she probably had some calorie and fat laden latte, frappe, or cappuchino. Like that isn't bad for you.


  5. BH,

    Ha! In fact, she did (it looked delicious). Good guess BH!