Dear Stuart Little

Andy and I never IM each other. The reasoning goes well back and involves his unwillingness to install Yahoo! and my unwillingness to install MSN. Now that I'm on Gmail, we could use that, but we don't, as emailing has become the main source of communication whilst we are slaving away at our workplaces.

Because it's Friday before the holiday weekend, work is pretty dead so I've been passing my time looking through all my old emails. I found the following that I thought was pretty funny and I think demonstrates the sameness in humor that Andy and I share, which is to say absurdness.

This string started as me faux writing letters to Stuart Little as he appeared to be having a bad day. Enjoy.

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Dear Mr. Little,

Please, sit down and relax. Would you like a piece of cheese? I have sharp Wisconsin cheddar and a bit of Gouda. Care for crackers or would you prefer just to nibble on the corner of the package? Just the corner then? Well done. Yes please, just put your paws up. I do have a match box if you care for a nap later. Never mind that trap in the corner...that's for the hedgehogs. Nasty buggers those hedgehogs are.

Sincerely,

Me

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Hi Me!

I am lactose intolerant, which is pretty fucked up for a mouse. Some crackers would be lovely though. Although I do feel you are patronizing/patronising (delete as appropriate) me. That is bloody mousist!

Steady on, some of my best friends are hedgehogs!

Mr S. Little, mouse first class

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Mr. Little,

I would never patronize\patronise a mouse. Not with the knowledge that they could gnaw off my hair when I sleep at night.

I only dislike hedgehogs because they are so damn cute I turn into a big ball of stupid girl who suddenly wants to pet kittens and skip in a large field of sunflowers every time I see one. Dead hedgehogs don't give me that same affliction.

Sincerely,

Me

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Me,

I accept your apology. And your hedgehog manifesto.

Stuey Little, friend to hedgehogs everywhere, also preferably alive.

P.S. How are the ants? I asked them to look after the place while you were away.

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SL,

Thank you very much for sending the ants. They were very organized while they were still alive. Next time, if you could, please inform them that the bowl on the kitchen floor is cat food not ant food. I realize I normally inform them of this by putting down a liberal layer of cinnamon (surprisingly effective for getting the message across) but in my absence, the cat (not the tidiest of eaters), may have implied that what drops out her mouth is fair game. It's not.

Thanks.

Me

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Me,

You killed the ants? They were building the ant Eiffel Tower as a tribute to you, their god. And you frickin' smote them?

Well, they were French.

Stuart Little, mouse of many jackets


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Dear Stuart,

I didn't kill the ants. The Lysol "Garden Scent" Can killed them. I made sure they all went to little ant heaven (it's covered in sugar) as a merciful ant god is wont to do.

With much respect,

Me

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Dear Sir or Madam,

I regret to inform you that Stuart Little passed away this afternoon. According to the responding medics, he had launched a ground assault on the Lysol factory but was drowned when a container load of NEW! LYSOL® Healthy Touch™ Hand Sanitizer Foam exploded during the resulting firefight causing Mr Little to asphyxiate instantly.

Our condolences go out to Stuart's family and friends. May he finally find the peace cruelly denied him in life.
--
Casey a.k.a. Moe
http://badgerswithknives.blogspot.com