19 January 2012

Snapshots from a post that never was

So Andy won’t let me go to Lithuania. We were talking about our trip to Spain and how great it was that we got cigarettes at a fraction of the cost. He then mentioned that he was trying to work out if it was worth it to go to Spain again to get more cigarettes at some point. I said surely Poland would have cheaper cigarettes and that I was more than willing to go for a night to get some. Andy laughed at me. After researching it a bit, I found that not only does Lithuania have even cheaper cigarettes than Poland, there’s a round trip flight from Liverpool for only £40. A night in a hostel is only £10! If I bought six cartons of cigarettes, that’s still a savings of £100.

I turn to Andy and say, “So, shall I book it?”

“Yeah, right.”

“Waaa, why not?”

“Do you even know the capital of Lithuania?”

“Do you?”


“So, shall I book it?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Because I wouldn’t get to go.”

“So? Do you even want to go to Lithuania?”

“Do you?”


“Well, so do I.”


Lithuania: You and I shall never meet.


I’ve been thinking about kosher dill pickles a lot. Of all the things I miss about America, kosher dill pickles are one of the biggest miss. This is simply because unlike most other things I miss, I can’t pimp my family and friends out from the States to send me some. They are considered produce and are forbidden by Customs. Such is my yearning for kosher dill pickles I have even considered spending the £3.37 (plus additional shipping) to have some. I know it’s insane. But so is having a turkey sandwich or a grilled cheeseburger without pickles.

Before you chastise me and say that I can in fact get kosher dill pickles in the UK at any major grocery food chain, let me correct you and tell you I cannot. While you can purchase many a jar (or can) of pickles that say “kosher dill” on them here (which I have), there is not a one of them that doesn’t contain sugar. Not that I’m against sugar. I love sugar. I just don’t like them in my pickles. Seriously, sweet pickles are just gross. I’ve actually made myself sick before from having a (proper) kosher dill pickle and following it up with a sweet grape.

I have dreams about you.


As you may remember from my ‘X’ post awhile back, I have vehemently refused to sign anything with an ‘X’ for the entire time that I have been in England. For the sake of being honest, I must admit that I have finally broken down and sent not one, but two texts to a friend and signed them with an ‘X’. It felt weird, and no I didn’t want to make out with her. I simply did it because this particular woman is one of those horribly sweet and kind ladies that you wonder why in the world they’d want to hang out with a cold-hearted bitch like myself. What mystifies me even further is how well I get along with this wonderfully sweet and kind woman, even as I’m holding myself back from releasing the f-bomb during our conversations and asking if she’d like to do shots.

Anyhow, this particular friend is moving away from the area (Is it me? Don’t answer that) and we were texting back and forth last night with general chit chat. As she signs every single one of her texts with an ‘X’, the guilt of it all finally got to me. Like I said, I felt weird doing it – I felt like a phony really – but I did it. But don’t any of you fuckers think I’m going to pull that shit again.

Want to do some shots?

No?  More for me then.


So my one year anniversary of living in England is coming up in the next couple of weeks. I’m taking suggestions on what kind of anniversary post you’d like to read. Would you like more cultural differences? British products? A general reflection? Pros and Cons? “If I was a real Brit I’d…”? Leave me a comment and let me know. I’m open to other suggestions as well. Sadly, there is no way to have fireworks shoot out when you open that post. Well, I’m sure there is, but seriously, have you seen the price of fireworks recently?


  1. I would like to read a post where you go to Lithuania, stay in a hostel for a tenner and cart back more cigs than strictly allowed.
    I know someone from Vilnius (that's in Lithuania) so she could probably advise you on where to get the best tabacco products...

  2. I would like a post where I went to Lithuania and did all those things. Damn husbands.

    Vilnius is the capital (I looked it up dammit) and I suppose it would be illegal to start some sort of trade where your friend sent me cigarettes in exchange for cold hard English sterling.

  3. No, she's from Vilnius, lives in my village now. I'm pretty sure she's okay for GBP, given she also works for a bank. True story.

  4. Vilnius is awesome. We loved it. I say go.

  5. Ever tasted cigarettes u buy in Mexico? The "inexpensive" ones...they taste like sh....e. Save your travel money.

  6. VW: Well that makes it a bit less convenient.

    Andrea: I'm all up for going. It's Andy that is holding the purse strings as they say. Feel free to start a leaflet campaign.

    Anon: I have actually had the cigarettes in Mexico. Well, not a Mexican brand, but Marlboro's that I'm sure they dilute the tobacco with sawdust. They weren't terrible. Then again, I've been smoking so long, I've lost pretty much all my taste buds.

  7. Yay your blogs are always so much fun, where have I been all this time?! Why don't you both go to Lithuania? Who knows they might even specialize in sugarless kosher dill pickles.

  8. Shannen: Thanks for reading! Don't forget to become a FB follower (above). I've got a pathetic number of followers...sadly one of them is my cat.

    Again, I would love to go to Lithuania but Andy tells me no. Not unless he can go too which kind of defeats the cheap cigarettes idea. Ach well.

  9. Well if you decide to go to Poland instead I can give you some tips, complete with a phonetic transcription of "where can I find a pickle dealer please"in Polish. I'm sure they do have them - you can't follow up vodka with sweet pickles right? I know Gdansk-Sopot-Gdynia area in the North, I'm there like twice a year. I also know what NOT to drink to make sure you don't wake up naked in a prison cell ;)

  10. Alicja: It's good to know I've got an insider's tip if we ever make it to Poland! And any time you care to share what NOT to drink to make sure to avoid waking up naked in prison is always good. You never know when that information might come in handy.